YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of having to stay calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_

>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

>WITNESS: Yes.

>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

>WITNESS: I forget.

>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__

>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

>WITNESS: He said, Where am I, Cathy?

>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

>WITNESS: My name is Susan!

>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

>WITNESS: We both do.

>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

>WITNESS: We do.

>ATTORNEY: You do?

>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

>WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_

>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

>WITNESS: Yes.

>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

>WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

>WITNESS: Yes.

>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

>WITNESS: None.

>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

>WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

>WITNESS: By death.

>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__

>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

>WITNESS: Guess.
_

>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

>WITNESS: Oral.

>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

>WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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>And the best for last:

>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

>WITNESS: No.

>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: I've been ringing 08001730 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?.
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?.
Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Centre.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?
Operator: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?
Operator: I think you mean the telephone point on the wall.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?
Operator: Doesn't the product name give you a clue?
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland .
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
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Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer: OK.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?.
Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?.
Customer: Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.
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Tech Support: OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?
Customer: Wow. How can you see my screen from there?
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Caller: I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for Termination without Cause.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble??
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: Nothing.
Operator: Nothing??
Caller: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??
Caller: What's a sea-prompt?
Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
Caller: What's a monitor?
Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??
Caller: I don't know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??
Caller: No.
Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can't reach.
Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??
Caller: No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??
Caller: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
Operator: Dark??
Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can't.
Operator: No? Why not??
Caller: Because there's a power failure.
Operator: A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??
Operator: Tell them you're too f%%%g stupid to own a computer!!!!!

I HOPE THESE HAVE CHEERED YOU UP- IF THEY HAVE THEN THANK MY DAUGHTER AND IF THEY HAVEN'T BLAME ME.

IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT WE COULD ADD THEN SEND IT TO ME AT tourdevon@gmail.com